I went to a silent retreat and the monk told me to leave
I first started meditation in my early twenties. I had picked up yoga during my travels through Australia and enjoyed the moments of solitude during classes, when we were told to sit with our breath. I’d never really done any more serious meditation other than that, but I instinctively knew it was something good for me.
To say I was an over stressed, uptight control freak running close to a burn-out is probably mildly put.
In hindsight I wasn’t very connected to my mind and body and I recall a time during my studies where I suffered from extended periods of exhaustion, going from doctor to hospital trying to unearth the underlying health problem. Turns out I was a healthy 23-year-old, but no one ever questioned my mental health or suggested to look at my lifestyle. Seemingly over time my health improved, and I managed to finish my degree (albeit with a lot of effort and some tears).
When I got more into yoga & meditation, I was surprised what affect it had on me.
For the first time I started to connect to my body but more importantly my mind.
My mind was always racing and I could never shut it off. Often giving me more stress or putting me in uncomfortable situations. However, during an intense Vinyasa or Ashtanga yoga class I discovered my mind was just quiet. It simply just was. Although, at the time, I couldn’t have quite placed that or described it, it simply felt good, so I kept on going.
When I got the opportunity to go to Thailand, the place to be for monks, meditation and Buddhism, I jumped at the opportunity to join a week long meditation retreat. Little did I know what I was getting myself into….
Upon arriving to the retreat center we were told that we should hand in all electronic devices, wear only white and we were no longer allowed to speak except during philosophy classes and off premises. Meditation would start each day at 6am and last till breakfast at 8am, after which meditation classes commenced until lunch, followed by Buddhist philosophy and, not surprisingly, more meditation. Not to mention abstinence from food until the following day.
Honestly, I don’t know how I signed up for this because I truly don’t think I was fully aware of the program jet alone ready for it.
I’d never even meditated for more than 10 minutes, jet alone 6 hours a day!
But being my stubborn self, I wasn’t going to be intimidated let alone give up. I don’t give up. I can’t give up. I CAN DO THIS….. I think…..
Day one, however, I was immediately confronted with the horrors of what I got myself into. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, in 30 degrees heat, insects flying and crawling, I could not sit still. After one hour my back, knees and legs started to ache and my mind…my mind was going INSANE! Thoughts at random all over the place, telling me to ‘’sit still’’, ‘’not think’’, ‘’you can do this’’, ‘’you can’t do this’’, ‘’you’re weak’’, ‘’I need to move…speak…shout….something, anything… HELP!!’’.
I must have started getting annoyed with the ants crawling up my legs, because when I hit one (sorry!) I immediately got told off by the monk, teaching me ahimsa – the Buddhist rule to not hurt animals or human beings. You can imagine the internal fury inside my head, which in turn worsened my behavior as I started to wiggle more, trying to get comfortable.
The second day was worse still. As I awoke to a rumbling stomach, the first two hours of meditation before breakfast, I spent frustrated by and controlling the rumblings of my empty belly. After overeating at breakfast meditation didn’t improve, as my mind continued to race, the pain in my body started to worsen. It was like the mind worsened the body and vice versa. One of the monks must have noticed my movements and grunts as he came up to me and kindly offered a chair, which I refused. In my head I thought ‘’how dare he? I can do this’’, which just proved how hard I was on myself and in my anger, it only added fuel to the fire.
That second night I fell asleep in my wooden bed crying, thinking to myself how could I last another 5 days?
The next day I woke up determined yet again, to keep on going, and I noticed I wasn’t struggling with the food anymore, which was an improvement! However, after lunch things started to go downhill again. During one of the philosophy classes, the monk tried to explain ‘abstinence’ and the answer was just so absurd I couldn’t help but question it. How could someone give such wrong advice, I thought, and I unleashed all my built-up frustration in that moment critically questioning this monk’s motives.
After class the monk asked me to stay behind for a talk. I knew I might have overstepped my boundary, but I wasn’t prepared for what he would say.
He told me that he could see I was struggling and having a difficult time, and that my behavior negatively impacting myself and the group. He said perhaps I wasn’t ready yet and should consider leaving!
There I was in the middle of nowhere in Thailand. Nowhere to go and in deep turmoil and even the Buddhist monk didn’t think he could help me! I felt so utterly disappointed and angry that it caused a mental switch to flip and I promised him I would pull through. One of the other attendants had noticed my unrest too, and somehow, he instinctively felt pulled to help me as he motioned for us to go ‘’off premises’’, to speak. Turns out he was an Ashtanga yoga teacher and he suggested doing yoga together every day, to help with my body pain and posture.
We immediately did a short session that evening and I went to bed feeling more confident than before. Someone DID believe in me and that was worth more than anything. The following 4 days we continued to share our practice in silence, as I followed his every move. I cherished those moments and within days I noticed my back pain decrease (I may have asked for a pillow too!) and my ability to sit still improve. My mind was still running wild, but it seemed to have less affect on me.
I managed to complete the full 7 days and when we were finally able to speak all I could say was THANK YOU to this person, who had become my own personal monk during this week.
We parted ways, but when I got home something had completely shifted.
I was so impressed by this person, and how he was able to help me, that I wanted to know what he knew. I signed up for my first yoga teacher training shortly after. What started as one of the worst weeks of my life ended up being the starting point of my journey into yoga, which completely changed my life for the better. Something I’ll always be grateful for to this person and also that monk, who challenged me to stay.
Ever since meditation has become a regular practice, however I try to keep it to 8 minutes most days! Which is more than enough to get started and experience the benefits of meditation. If you want to experience the immediate effects, why not try out this 5 minute mini meditation I recorded, and see what that does! Who knows you might be able to work up to 6hrs as well one day ;)
☾
NAMASTÉ MARIJKE
Dutchie • Digital Nomad • Travel Junkie
Ocean Lover • Yoga Enthusiast